Going back

I do not know what happened but I just felt like going back here – where I used to express my thoughts, share my life with others (though I think I have a very few audience even back then, so I think less audience now).

It gives me a nostalgic feeling though because after I have been to a lot of other virtual places – Facebook, Twitter and tumblr, even, now I am going back here. In the same way that in my personal life, I am going to who I really am, or at least I am struggling to go back to who I really am.

Odd but recently I realize how much I miss myself. Because my self is really this person who writes when she is sad. This person who is alone and finds comfort in words expressed in a semi-private medium.

I have always been on the less happy side of life but I somewhat find comfort in knowing that. Because by being in a dark place, I get to explore the deepest of my feelings and fears and that is when I feel in touch with myself the most.

I am alone again these days. Some people think they do know what it means to be alone and lonely, but I am quite sure that they do not understand what it really feels like. Maybe they just could not admit to themselves that they are in a happy place and sadly, they do not want me there.

So here I am again – pouring all my unhappy thoughts. I am sorry and thank you.

Confession of a non-talker

I am paid to talk. It is ironic because I fear talking.

Now I know why I am always scared of doing this. I fear unanswered calls. I fear hearing ‘no’s’. I fear feeling unwanted because I am an intruder to someone’s precious time (in the same way that I hate it when others do not respect mine). I fear rejection.

This is really bad because I have to do this everyday. On the good side though, I can take it as a challenge that I just have to deal with everyday.

This fear shall always be in my daily baggage

Exhausted

I am exhausted.

No amount of sleep, food or weekend can heal this exhaustion.

Work has been really draining recently. Inasmuch as I want to convince myself that I am just being the usual complainer or that this stress is just one of those ‘phases’ when I just feel so burned out, I just couldn’t lie.

I spent nights last week crying out of exhaustion. I cannot explain how I dragged myself at work each morning. I feel physically exhausted every night in the past 3 weeks. We were doing draining work all week. I had to stay at the office past work hours, which I dislike.

I always convince myself that I have very high tolerance for certain things. But there are times like this when I feel like being pushed to think and feel otherwise.

[DRAFT] One Question a day

February 28, 2011 — 12:15PM

What TV character can I easily portray? 

Hmm, I don’t know. Haha but if there is a TV character that I would LOVE to portray, it has got to be Cristina Yang. I love her competence and heartlessness.

February 9, 2011 — 5:12PM

How I wish I could say that I DISCOVERED..(what thing/place/person)?* or could discover

Device that turns back time. Less regrets. Less what ifs

February 9, 2011 — 9:26AM

Who has your ideal body type? 

It has got to be Anne Curtis. Haha I just think she’s so skinny sexy. I have always wanted to look like that – small parts. Yes, I no need big boobs. Haha =D

[DRAFT] Exhausted

It’s 9 o’clock. Odd maybe for being up on a weekend. But then maybe this isn’t a real weekend.

I am exhausted. Lately, I have been thinking whether I am still happy with the things I do.

Let’s start with work. Work is exhausting.I get tired looking at numbers and charts and making summary statements, conclusions blah. I know it pleases some people to always be stretching their brains to do some work-out but maybe I have had enough. Work has been giving me all sort of pains – headache, stiff neck, ngalay na kamay, tired eyes.

25 Things to do in the Philippines

1.. Go white water rafting in Cagayan de Oro.

2. Visit Batanes.

3. See Mt. Mayon up close.

4. Swim with the whale sharks in Donsol.

5. Climb Mt. Pulag and be awed by its sea of clouds.

6. Dive, swim and explore Palawan’s underground river.

7. Hike and let the view of Mt. Pinatubo crater take your breath away.

8. Party in your bikini in Boracay. (hmm we did do some dancing in Boracay but not in our bikinis. Haha =D)

9. Surf’s up! Choose your wave—La Union, Zambales or Real, Quezon.(or here in my hometown Baler. I do not think I have the balancing and swimming skills for surfing though)c

10. Missed out on the pristine beauty of Boracay 15 years ago? Visit Malapascua, Cebu.

11. Dive and see the rich marine life of Anilao, Batangas.

12. Travel back in time—go to Vigan. (Rambo will like this!)

13. Let Bohol wow you with its many offerings—the Chocolate Hills, the tarsier, the Loboc River Cruise, old churches and the beach. (It’s the tarsier I want to see! Heard it is really tiny)

 

14. Go high! Drive to the Mountain Province of Sagada. Check out the caves, the hanging coffins and enjoy the laidback lifestyle.

15. Grab a Viaje del Sol map, visit Ugu Binyan’s pottery studio, eat at Kusina Salud and unwind at Casa San Pablo.

16. Spend an entire week up north. Take a road trip from Manila to Vigan, Ilocos, Cagayan Valley, Aparri and Isabela! (Waaah. I have always wanted to be in a road trip!)

 

17. Try wakeboarding in Camsur.

18. Check out Malate, Old Manila and all their secret spots.

19. There are many reasons to love Davao. Kublai’s artworks, its proximity to the beach, the tasty pastil and juicy suha. And did I mention that it’s a smoke-free city?

20. Spend a weekend roughing it in Anawangin and Capones in Zambales. (Check! I would love to go back to Anawangin to again read a book by the beach)

 

21. Check out our colorful fiestas and document them with your camera. Ati-atihan, Dinagyang, Masskara, Sinulog, Higantes, Panagbenga and more.

22. Pick your own strawberries at the Strawberry Fields in La Trinidad, Benguet.

23. Go to Pampanga for sisig.

24. If it’s too hot in Manila, grab a few friends and take a quick trip to Tagaytay.

25. Enjoy a food trip in Iloilo. You’ll never go hungry in this city.

 

Repost from: http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/super/super/view/20101204-306875/25-THINGS-TO-DO-IN-THE-PHILIPPINES and from Hazel’s Facebook note.

Is Christmas the season to be jolly?

Is Christmas truly the season to be jolly? I do not mean to be the grinch that stole Christmas but for me, this isn’t so true.

I used to be excited about Christmas this year. I was looking forward to the Christmas break from work, to the fun of looking for gifts and wrapping them, to hearing Christmas songs everywhere. But December came; the excitement waned.

The Christmas until New Year break is still there – one thing that I should feel very thankful about because not a lot of employees get to enjoy the same privilege. But the weeks before that have been hell. The workload was pretty manageable but there were lots of waiting that has to be done. Everything was dragging while I want to do things fast so I can prep myself for a relaxing break the earliest time I can. But I can’t and no matter how much I want to, I just cannot make things move faster.

And the pressure remains until tomorrow, the last work day for 2010. I must finalize something or else I am doomed. Knowing myself, I am sure I would not stop thinking about it during the break. Free days ruined.

December also meant less hours for me and Rambo. Although I love the fact that he is now happy with his job, I hate the fact that it eats so much of his time. Especially this month when he usuallly finishes work around 11-12 midnight due to extended mall hours. And I hate myself more for being ‘absent’, sleepy, mad or jealous during our few hours together.

I feel helpless that I cannot be with him this Christmas eve. He has work until the evening of 24th and on the following day too so he cannot make it to Baler. He is spending Christmas alone and I do not know what to do about it. It makes me feel very lonely. Same scenario happens on New Year’s eve. What a great way to start the year – feeling unable to do something for the person you love the most.

This Christmas makes me sad. And I know that this is an inappropriate feeling in this season where everyone is supposed to be merry. But is there such a thing as a right feeling? I don’t think so.

Yesterday was not my first time to vote, but first to vote in a presidential elections.  It was unexpectedly not as comfortable as the previous one. But to quote what a friend of mine (Jay) said in Facebook – I forgot the exact words but it went something like: people should stop complaining about the elections today. let’s just deal with the few hours of discomfort now. Or else, we may suffer for the next 6 years (hmm. makes sense).

But anyway- I had this almost three-hour ordeal. But I am not complaining. As what Rambo told me before – “para sa bayan”. Haha =p. Let me reminisce 

9:00AM: I was greeted by this line at Miriam College’ parking. It was a long ‘snake’ but thank goodness the sun was not out at that time and that the line moved pretty fast. I did not exactly know what the line was for but I lined up anyway. Later on, I realized how the line is for a small sheet a paper. A few meters near the entrance, a volunteer handed me a piece of paper wherein I am supposed to put my complete name, precint number, cluster number, sequence number and a space to be signed by an officer for verification.

At the tail

The head –  there’s the entrance

the ‘curve’

Upon entering, the line did not matter. The only instruction I got is that those with incomplete details yet. I do have the precinct number but I have no idea what the cluster and sequence numbers are.

Entrance. Entrance to where?

9:16AM – So I did join this mob of people without knowing what I actually was supposed to do. After a few minutes of observing (got to have keen ears and sharp eyes!), I realized I have to join this mob – which is actually not a mob. Rather, these are people lines so close to each that such lines seem to not exist at all. Thank God I knew my precint number. I just had to check for the manila paper where my precint number is written and voila – there was my cluster number. That was where I had to line up to get my sequence number and get the signature.

Just when there were only 3 people in front of me – the officer announced there is no need for that line because as long as the precinct and cluster numbers are known, ok to line up for the entrance. But since I do not trust the system enough, (and my handwriting as well) I still had my precinct number verified. Thank goodness the website got it right, I copied it right.

9:44AM – I was lost. I could not figure out where the lines to the entrance were. There was no volunteer I could ask because they kept on moving and I could not find them! After around 15min of sheer observing, I realized the line where I should be in was just right in front of me. Problem was – I didn’t know how to go the Cluster 4 line which was at the middle of this another mob. But as you may have guessed, I figured out a way there. =p

These are lines! The sheets of paper from afar indicate the Cluster number

These are lines! The sheets of paper from afar indicate the Cluster number

Closer. (and there was a jejemon, ajejeje. haha)

 

I didn’t make it to the cut. So I was waiting first in line. So near yet so far!

I didn’t make it to the cut. So I was waiting first in line. So near yet so far!

11:00AM – Finally. I was inside the court – still had to line up at least I got to sit down and drink water! (sarap.) I met this friendly 14-year old boy Thomas (who should have been in the comfort of their home but he joined his voter sister) asked me what my name is, told me it was a nice name, then after mere 15 minutes, he totally forgot it!  But he still kept on asking me whether I was ok or what online games I play. (And I had no picture of him. It was weird enough that I was taking pictures as I was lining up, I just thought it was more strange to take a picture with a stranger I met while lining up. Labo.) 

si ate, bibang-biba! she’s been helping us with the lines.

Charlie’s Angels – As long as I see them, I am on the right track (we’re both in cluster 4!)

 

Inside the court

 

A few rows away! Let’s do this!

Soon, one of those seats shall be mine hehe

Around 11:34AM: Done voting! I was able to feed my vote Take1! I was lucky because a few people after I, I heard the officer asking for a Smartmatic person. (hmm something must have gone wrong.) Dirtied a paper with a thumbpark and waited for a few minutes as this guy was digging in this pile of paper to look for my sheet (and according to him, it was not arranged in any sort.) I kiddingly told him – “so this is automated ha.” He babbled. Poor him – he must have been tired.

Whew. This automated elections better give us all clean results. It gave me this ruined nail art. (Just kidding. With the discomfort I’m sure we all had to endure, we all deserve clean results. And most importantly, we all deserve kept promises.

My Dream Life this Year

I randomly picked a question today from my Papemelroti collection of queries and I found this pretty interesting. Here it is:

If you could write out the rest of your life (& it would come true), what would happen this year?

Hmm. And I say (and I just wish that the dream coming true part is actually true =p But well, I will try to be more realistic here).

I guess this year, I want to discern what my passion is. Quite broad, yes, but I realized just recently how this seeming ‘unknowledge’ of what I really want to do is giving me this everyday boredom and hate thoughts (specifically about my routine at work, hehe).

IS IT TRAVEL? I’ve been heavy on travels last year, although mainly for work. Pretty stressful (hmm, from visa works to the actual group discussions we do) but the positive side of it is that I don’t spend for it (hmm, except maybe for the Telco roaming charges hehe). Not much opportunity for business trip this year so quite perfect timing to try (TRY) to go to places for leisure.

So this weekend, Rambo and I are hitting the beach with my friends from college – id girls Les, Trish, KT and Gi. Yey! We are pretty excited about it that we realize yesterday how long it is taking us to pack for the trip (and we are not finished yet haha), at the same time, nervous (well, I, for the most part) because of the possible not so nice things that could happen (hmm here’s the pessimist in me again).

In the next months, I wish we set foot on other places (come on money. come on free time. =D). Next on the list are Vigan, Bohol (because I want to hold a tarsier!) and Leyte (because my friend Ye is destined there for work and I just want to visit her some time). I’m crossing my fingers also that Pentavia’s next overseas gig happens in June and that I get to go as well (without hurting my wallet too much). If blessed – hmm, I want to go back to Japan and stay there forever (?). Haha maybe just enough time to experience the splintered culture – from the highly pop and modern to the quiet and traditional.

IS IT MUSIC? It makes me sad these days that I don’t listen (deliberately) to music anymore. I would not blame my Ipod if it just wouldn’t play because I haven’t been opening it for months already.

Not only do I have to revive my love for music by listening again, I have to learn to have the ear for it. I frequently go to gigs but everytime Rambo asks me how his play was, I cannot really tell. I feel like a stupid judge in Talentadong Pinoy or Pilipinas Got Talent – I just cannot give a decent comment haha. I honestly don’t know how, but I just want to learn it.

IS IT LOVE OF WORK? I really hope so! I wish I could love this job more, or finally have the courage to go out and explore. Well, I am just waiting for some events to happen this year and hopefully, I get more driven to look for another job that I will love. Isn’t it perfect to actually earn money and enjoy as well? Haay.

IS IT GADGET? (Hmm, sounds wrong. Barok). Not out of luho, but the need has been knocking on me for quite some time already. My personal laptop is officially now a virus hub although Rambo and I still appreciate that we still get to download torrents. Recently though, windows just keep on closing for no reason. Not to mention the creepy ‘eeenng’ sounds (haha how do I put that into words?)

Canon vidcam is ok (finally got the replacement charger from Canon after waiting for n years), Sissi point-and-shoot is fine during daytime but is weak at night. A DSLR camera is still a want but not so much a priority. But maybe, a good Christmas gift, right? =)

Whew. I wrote quite a lot. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Does Not Feel like a Friday

How come time runs so slow today? Here I am again at the office, trying to look for that happy feeling of a Friday as I try to finish this deck that I have been doing for months already.

But I feel like it’s a Monday, like I am again going to spend tomorrow and the days after tomorrow feeling this lazy, this drained, this tired. This is odd. To think that I spent last week’s Thurs and Fri out-of-office for the company outing, and that I took this week’s Wednesday off because of this dry cough.

I feel guilty for feeling this way. Because I know that not everyone has whatever chance that I have. A stable job, yeah. BUT I still cannot shoo off this thought that I no longer am happy with my work but I am such a weakling to quit and again go through the process of submitting the resume, going to job interviews and whatever preps the new job requires. I am scared of rejection, of lower compensation, of new people, bosses and of course, the possibility of ending up with a job worse than my job now.

Time is running slow today but it is running fast for me. It’s almost three years and here I am still, trying to defend to myself that this is the best place for me.