It’s the New Year, let’s be quiet.

In one of my recent trips, I was told by this lady fortune-teller that if I want to give us a try, I should let you know before this Chinese New Year.

Today is that day. And as this day was approaching, I found myself feeling more and more deeply unhappy and helpless – to this thought of goodbye, loss of a what-could-be.

But today, rather strangely, on my commute to work as I was doing my dose of stalking, I read a random post from years back. Just an ordinary conversation but it made me want to get out from staying inside this unlit room I have been keeping myself locked in since the possibility of us got more and more bleak.

It came as a snap – as if I was staring intently at this picture for quite a while and when I accidentally blinked, what in an instant lay before me is a totally different picture. What followed was this realization that I am being unfair by painting a gloomy picture of what is really just a short-lived but far from gloomy one.

Today isn’t that day. Way months before, you already know and you already gave an answer. You were honest. You were brutal. I was hurt, yes, but it awakened a piece of my being that for a while felt too tired to feel and fight.

I wish I could have seen you from years back when you saw me.

I wish we saw each other eye to eye when the universe gave us what is most likely our one and only shot.

I wish I could have the chance to see more of you beyond those one-liner replies, thoughts and stories meant for all, your appearances from nowhere that kicked off with friendly taps on my shoulder followed by ten-second conversations ending with quiet glances, silence and unsaid goodbyes.

But these are wishes and nobody gets to wish on New Years but just be part of recurring inevitable endings and beginnings.

So tonight I end my role as that alarm clock you keep snoozing or dismissing. And while at times I felt unreasonably annoyed, hurt or frustrated, at the end of it, you were just being honest. And for that, you deserve all this to end. And as for me, it’s time to begin to really be thankful to have briefly seen you, and vow to self to just (in quiet) love you more.

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Say when

On days when you are not in thought, you remind me in flesh.

On days when I ask the universe questions, it lets me have you – only to take you back just as quickly.

On days when I remember, I know I should forget.

(Life is full of surprises, so they say. Now I do so too.)

Until when do I believe you to be true?

When today matters

There are days that are big. There are some that are like any other day it’s as if it never existed. For in memory, it’s just like any other.

Then there are days like today – an in-between – one that’s not big yet ironically big in a quiet way.

Torn between home and another home is this lukewarm decision to go to the latter to do some reading. Then this habit to sit in front for shared rides because I am always by myself and I don’t want to ‘break up’ couples or friends who wish to sit together.

He first asked about my destination. And for some reason this Italian restaurant was mentioned which led to his random story about these three days right after his wedding day – when they suddenly couldn’t go to their beach honeymoon that they decided to just be on a road trip with all the leftover alcohol from the wedding and with lots of cash on hand from their ‘dance’ (all from generous ninangs/ninongs saved in a bank). They drove many places north and found themselves in an Italian restaurant in Calle Crisologo in Vigan where the owner called some pizza and pasta on the house.

This memory one of many road trips he said was his life prior to kids. And how while trying to have one after a year marriage, it was getting difficult his doctor said he had to drink less alcohol. And he did (because he really wants one)

It wasn’t a very long and ‘traffic-y’ ride. We part ways and his goodbye – instead of the usual ‘ingat’ – is “enjoy”.

Today isn’t a big day. But it’s one with what the big questions just randomly scream – what do I really want? And because I really want it, do I really know what that means?)

When pins matter

Not all stories have clear beginnings and endings. But if the universe grants you a pin to mark either a start or an end, which would you choose?

This question lately.

On days when I want to feel comfort, I say it’s living in the present. But on days when I feel like brave enough for brutal truths, I say it’s living not precisely knowing what I am living for.

Sometimes it’s easier to pin how things begin, not as easy seeing where it ends and a lot more difficult accepting that it has ended.

Sometimes it’s easier to pin how things end because the beginning sounds so telling that it would end and there’s a pat on the back for you were right – it ended as how you imagined it to be.

The worst are the other ‘sometimes’ when it’s hard to feel which side feels better. Am I happy that it started or that it ended?

Not all stories have clear beginnings and endings.

Keep saying until the question stops hurting less.

That which makes space

I’m rereading this book and on its first pages this line –

“There are goodbyes that break you and goodbyes that shape you, but there are also goodbyes that do nothing but make room. Space. Empty out parts that have been full for too long”.

I tried my best to be quiet in most parts these days. There’s a lot of temper I keep in moderation. There are thoughts about my person I wish I could say my piece/peace in response to but I chose to shut up. I didn’t know until now but it’s because I am tired – precisely about that space “full for too long”.

At some point, I just knew I have to stop fighting – in definitions from both ends of spectrum. And this left me in this empty room –

where in contrast, at the middle, I awkwardly stand crowded.

(While rest of world lives off their Disneyland-ish happy place and when it’s closed feels like they are entitled a spot in your empty room).

Whatever it is called

As a person who relies so much on temper and impulse, it’s right that in many scenarios, I find myself stupid or probably just even ‘wrong’.

But I try to not let my understanding of my self – even in its stupidity – makes it acceptable to deliberately hurt other people.

Some call it being right. Some call it being fair – able to weigh what is worthy or deserving. Some call it having the ability to be aware of yourself amid all toxic causing blur. Maybe these kinds of call I will never understand.

Because inasmuch as I want to be right, fair, and clear and clean, at the end of day, I just want to be good. And if you are trying your best to be a good person, you will never structure your acts to hurt others – no matter how disadvantaged/wronged you feel, no matter how ‘life’ seems unfair, no matter how much you feel the world doesn’t get enough of who you are.

You are not perfect. You are not smart. You are not nice. But hell, you try as much as you can to be good.

And maybe – even if it makes you look stupid – that is all that matters.

Days at an amusement park

Life has its ups and downs and so they say it’s a rollercoaster ride.

My days lately have been like hell of one.

One minute, like every good sitcom, I laugh at life’s painful realities. Minutes later, I feel saddened by questions now answered only by ‘i-don’t-knows’.

One minute, I feel free because I can move more. Minutes later, I just crave for a hug where I can be unmoved because it’s such a warm place.

While this swing of mood brings discomfort and scare, it also somehow brings clarity to what hook is –  to what at end of day makes you feel safe. And that while everything seems all over the place in now, you are alive and your heart keeps on beating.

It will always long to feel what it wants. You just need to sift through the chaos.