In one of my recent trips, I was told by this lady fortune-teller that if I want to give us a try, I should let you know before this Chinese New Year.
Today is that day. And as this day was approaching, I found myself feeling more and more deeply unhappy and helpless – to this thought of goodbye, loss of a what-could-be.
But today, rather strangely, on my commute to work as I was doing my dose of stalking, I read a random post from years back. Just an ordinary conversation but it made me want to get out from staying inside this unlit room I have been keeping myself locked in since the possibility of us got more and more bleak.
It came as a snap – as if I was staring intently at this picture for quite a while and when I accidentally blinked, what in an instant lay before me is a totally different picture. What followed was this realization that I am being unfair by painting a gloomy picture of what is really just a short-lived but far from gloomy one.
Today isn’t that day. Way months before, you already know and you already gave an answer. You were honest. You were brutal. I was hurt, yes, but it awakened a piece of my being that for a while felt too tired to feel and fight.
I wish I could have seen you from years back when you saw me.
I wish we saw each other eye to eye when the universe gave us what is most likely our one and only shot.
I wish I could have the chance to see more of you beyond those one-liner replies, thoughts and stories meant for all, your appearances from nowhere that kicked off with friendly taps on my shoulder followed by ten-second conversations ending with quiet glances, silence and unsaid goodbyes.
But these are wishes and nobody gets to wish on New Years but just be part of recurring inevitable endings and beginnings.
So tonight I end my role as that alarm clock you keep snoozing or dismissing. And while at times I felt unreasonably annoyed, hurt or frustrated, at the end of it, you were just being honest. And for that, you deserve all this to end. And as for me, it’s time to begin to really be thankful to have briefly seen you, and vow to self to just (in quiet) love you more.